See what I mean?

Pure terror.

I love Christmas break!

We are in Claremore visiting Brandon's parents this week. It's awesome.
I slept in this morning, then we hung around the house for a few hours, no stress!
Tonight, we went to Bass Pro Shop to take pictures of the girls with Santa. It was hilarious. Portia was close to tears the whole time, terrified of Santa. Margot was ok until she saw that Portia was nervous, then she started to tear up too! Goobers.
After visiting the North Pole, we went to dinner, where Margot ate as much as a full grown man, and Portia spent the whole time worrying about weather or not we were going to steal her mac-n-cheese. Portia was cracking me up at dinner. She had to go potty at one point, and here's our conversation while in the restroom:

Portia: Ok mommy. Go potty.
Me: I don't need to go potty.
Portia: Oh yeah, I need to go potty.
Portia: Mom, no body gets to eat my mac-n-cheese. You potato-head.

What a silly kid.
We ate till we couldn't eat anymore, and headed back home. The girls stayed home with Grammy and Papa, and Brandon and I went to the store. By ourselves! When you're a parent, this is a huge deal.
What a good day!

hug your babies tighter today

Some of the scariest things to me about being a mother are the things I can't control. Like illness, accident, and disease. But the scariest thing to me is the rest of the world. The world is a scary place.
Today, there was a school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. A man went into an elementary school and shot and killed 27 people, including 18 children. My heart is breaking. I can't fathom how the families affected must be feeling.
It terrifies me that my daughters could be put in situations like this one someday. We have recently started trying to teach Portia about stranger danger, and what to do to stay safe. But what if that isn't enough? My biggest fear in the world is that my children will be lost of hurt or afraid and I won't be there to help them.
I hope and pray that the families affected by this tragedy feel the love of the Lord, and are able to move on with their lives. And I pray that my family will be safe from the scary things in the world.

dancing queens

We took a break from cleaning today to have a little dance party.





And apparently today is "treat day." That's a new one.

just a little blast from the past for ya

You're welcome.

Things I Learned While Camping

I love camping. Maybe you wouldn't think it to look at me, what with my 5 inch stilettos and this hairdo, but it's true.
Every summer while growing up, my family went on a camping trip, everywhere from the beach in Florida to high up in the Colorado Rockies to our own backyard. I also went camping with the Young Women at church every summer for 7 years.
Now, I should clarify. When I say camping, I don't mean sitting in an air-conditioned RV with a stove and a bathroom. I mean pitching a tent, making a fire, gathering water from the nearby stream to boil and drink, bathing in the creek, the whole nine yards.
I love every minute of it. I love sleeping under the stars, eating crappy food that you cooked on a tiny stove over the fire, even bathing in an ice cold stream. It's awesome!
Let me tell you a few things I learned while camping.


1. I learned some basic survival skills. From Girl's Camp, I learned how to build a shelter, start a fire with just sticks, purify water, make a splint and a turniquette, and even tell the difference between Poison Oak and Poison Ivy. From my family camping trips, I learned how to cook on a fire, stay warm and dry at night, and shave my legs in the wild (it's crucial folks). I also learned that my mom is deathly allergic to Poison Oak and Poison Ivy.

Mom, look away! You might get a rash!

2. I learned that the beach is my most favorite place to be. We went camping in Pensacola FL one year as a family, and it was amazing. White sand, huge waves, millions of jellyfish. Wait, what?
Yeah, I said jellyfish. They were everywhere; I must have been stung a hundred times,  but it was still fun.
If I could live on the beach, I probably would.

Me and Carrie, in our swimsuits. 

3. I learned how to entertain myself in long car rides. When we went camping every year, we drove sometimes 12 hours or more to get there. That's one boring drive folks. 

4. I learned every cheesy camp song ever written. Girl's Camp does that to ya. I hated them, but I sang them.

5. I learned how to be a leader. At Girl's Camp, I was a YCL, or Youth Camp Leader, for several years. A YCL's job is to help younger girls with their hike, take them swimming, and teach them some of the things they need to certify. I was always assigned to the 12 year old girls, most of them had never been camping before. It was a blast teaching them and getting to know them, and I am still friends with a lot of those girls today!

6. I learned that we live in a beautiful country. Sleeping under the stars and hiking through the woods shows you that.

7. I leaned that if you give a raccoon donuts, he will love you forever. But he might still try to maul you, so don't get too close.

8. I learned that if the name of the campsite is anything like "Camp Runamuck," turn your car around and drive away. It will be crazy.

9. I learned that my sister and I look really good in snorkels.

You know you're jealous.

10. This isn't really something I learned, it's just one of my favorite memories. 

We were camping in Pensacola, and my mom wanted us all to get up early and watch the sunrise on the beach. 

My mom LOVES to watch the sunrise. Maybe it's because she enjoys the beauties of nature, maybe it's because she wakes up at the crack of dawn already and wants company, we may never know.

Anyway, we didn't have an alarm (we were sleeping in a tent for cryin' out loud) so Mom woke us all up at the hour she thought was close to sunrise. Turns out it was closer to 3 am, but we didn't know that at the time. We drove to the beach, set out a blanket, and settled down to wait for the sun. And we waited. And waited. Aaaaaand waited.

It was cold that morning, actually really cold for Florida in August. We were dressed in  T-shirts and shorts, and I remember just being freezing. It was really cloudy, and after about 3 hours of waiting, we started to realize that the sun wasn't going to show. You see, there was a storm off in the distance over the water (something else we didn't know) and the clouds were hiding the sun. 

Finally, after what seemed like forever, we started to beg to go back to our tent. We were hungry, cold, and tired. But my mom is nothing if not persistent, and assured us that if we waited, something good would happen. We crawled under our blanket on the sand and my dad got the Coleman cook stove from the car. He made one of the best tasting breakfasts I can ever remember. White rice with curry in it. We ate it in mugs, all curled up under our picnic blanket. 

Then, something good did happen. Remember that storm? Well the sun actually had come up, even if we didn't see it, and we got to watch the storm out over the ocean. It was one of the prettiest sights I can remember. We could see every swirl of the clouds, and even the rain as it came down, all miles away. It was amazing. 

I guess I did learn something. I learned that the simplest joys are the best. And I learned that my mom has good ideas, even if they do involve getting up at 3 am.

reset button

The girls didn't sleep well last night. Portia woke Margot up in the middle of the night, then they both got up early. Needless to say, by 4 pm, we were all cranky and needing to reset.
For Margot, that came in the form of another nap before dinner. She crashed in her room.
Portia and I made dinner together. She came in the kitchen and sat on the counter while I made spaghetti.  We sang silly songs and drank juice, and giggled about things that 3 year olds find humorous.
I think we both needed that time to hang out, just her and me.

That's what Christmas is all about.

Some Christmas videos for you!

A conversation

Portia: I love kittens.
Me: Do you like puppies?
Portia: No, they will scare me. But Margot knows how to eat them.


What?

This is a tough thing for me to write about, so bear with me.

Several years ago, while I was in college at BYU, I found myself struggling. Through some poor choices on my part, and some situations which I had no control over, I was barely keeping my head above water. I was failing my classes, constantly out of money, and deeply depressed.
It was extremely difficult to do everyday things, like get out of bed and go to class. I lost weight, I became sick more than usual; every aspect of my life was affected. I was desperately sad, and even worse than that, sure that I was worth absolutely nothing. I was certain that I would never be happy again. I was certain that I never deserved to be happy again.
Eventually, my friends and family started to worry. My roommates suggested that I make an appointment to see the Bishop, and I was shocked. I thought I had been hiding what was going on. It was a wake up call.
I started meeting with church leaders and soon moved home to OK. From counseling, I learned that most of my problems were from a result of very low self-esteem; I had been berating myself for years. After months and months of working on myself, and with the support of my family and the love of the Lord, I started to find my happy again. Shortly after, I met Brandon, and started a new life.
I have now been married for almost 5 years, and have two of the most beautiful baby girls. In the height of my depression, I never imagined a life as wonderful as what mine is now.

But that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle now and again. As a mom of two very young children, I am often worn out physically and mentally. I have many responsibilities and sometimes feel overwhelmed.
Now, I want to clarify again, that I know my life is good. I am married to a wonderful, devoted man whose first thoughts are providing for me and our daughters. My girls are my life, my everything, my reason for being on this earth. I have a beautiful life.

But I have found myself stagnating since Margot was born. Mostly, I think I am just tired. But there are days when a little nasty voice that I remember from so long ago starts  reminding me of all my failures and insecurities. These are the days that I sit on the couch in my pjs, can't seem to get the house clean and dinner made, am impatient with the girls and Brandon, and go to bed feeling horrible and bewildered. Why was I doing this? Why couldn't I be a better mom and wife?

I ran across a blog post today by a girl who reminded me of me. She spoke about her past struggles with depression, and having bad days. She gave a few tips to help those days get a little easier, like getting up and getting dressed, making a plan for the day, and eating a good meal (it seems silly, but on the bad days, it really is hard to do these simple things).

I had a little epiphany while reading. I am allowing myself to start down a dark road again. I have struggled with depression in the past and am never going to be completely cured. I will always have bad days, and there will always be that nasty voice in there, just waiting for me to let it creep back into my daily life.
This is a new concept for me. Until now, I thought that my bout of depression was a one-time thing. A small dot on the timeline of my life. But it's not. It will always be there.
Strangely, this is a comforting thought. I know now that when I have bad days, I am not being a bad mom and wife, I'm just working through my problems and tomorrow will be better.
I am suddenly struck with the thought that maybe I have been struggling a bit more than I have let myself believe. And it's ok. I can now make goals to work on it. I can recognize my hard days for what they are, and make them better.


I am not posting this to get sympathy or anything like that. Writing for me is therapeutic, and helps me put my thoughts together. This blog also serves as a bit of a journal for me, and my mom always taught me that writing things down helps you to remember them (betcha didn't think I was listening, huh Mom? hehe).

things i'm lovin today- food edition

1. Mmmmmm, toasted sourdough bread with butter. I could eat a whole loaf folks.

2. The hearty beef stew I made last night. It was tasty, and the girls LOVED it!

3. These bad boys:

It's pink cream soda! Yum-o!
(Ignore my bad nails, I'm fixing them today.)

4. The giant creamy hot chocolate that Brandon got me last night. It was wonderful.

5. This ad:

I'm sold!

Family Pictures

A few weeks ago, we had family pictures taken. Here's a few of the best ones:

Facing Our Diagnosis As One with Heather

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by Heather, who was wanting to do a guest post to try to spread awareness about Mesothelioma. 
Here she is!


Facing Our Diagnosis As One

When the doctor looked at me and told me that I had cancer at the age of 36, I was devastated to say the least. It was pleural mesothelioma cancer, which is primarily linked to exposure to asbestos. All that I could think about was my beautiful three and a half month old baby girl. This should have been one of the best times in my life and here I was facing death.

It never fails, when I tell people about my diagnosis, they always wonder how that is possible when the stuff is banned and I am so young to have been exposed. However, the ugly truth is that asbestos is not banned at all and I was exposed when I was a kid. My father worked in construction. His biggest responsibilities were working with drywall-sanding, taping, hanging. When he came home he was always covered with dust, but I always ran to him. That white dust that he was always covered in contained so many microscopic asbestos fibers. Who would have ever known that I was at risk?

As for this disease being reserved for people older than me, that is simply not the case. I am part of a large group of people, some even younger than me, who had been diagnosed with mesothelioma. Initially, the people who were being diagnosed were older men. They had either worked in construction, in the military, or other trades where they had been exposed. Then the disease started affecting their wives and now us children. We were the kids that ran to our dads when they came home. We were the ones that did not care how dusty dad's jacket was, we wanted to be near him and sometimes, we even pretended to be him by wearing his clothes. Now here we are, facing this disease while trying to begin our own lives. Some people, just like me, had just started their families when they were diagnosed.

Hearing that you have cancer is one terrifying experience. I stay in touch with the others in my situation because together we are stronger. We can cry together and have hope together. We can celebrate our victories of life with cancer together and assist one another when we have mountains to climb up ahead.

There is some good news. Medical technology is helping us to survive. People of all ages are being treated and pulling through to the other side. However, there is not enough prevention in place to keep this from happening. I am sharing my side of the story about mesothelioma in hopes that people everywhere will come together to bring attention to this issue that so many of us have been dealing with in our lives. If we don't, there will be no changes in the way things are handled. I know that there are many more people out there that have experienced the fear first hand and let me tell you, we can help ourselves even more by making the problem known.

Here's the link to Heather's blog: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/

i win!

A few weeks ago, I saw that one of my friends had won a jewelry giveaway on Facebook. I checked out the website and learned that they do giveaways all the time! So I thought to myself "Self, let's enter one of these bad boys! We probably won't win, but that necklace is super pretty!"
Well, guess what. I WON!!
This is the first time I've ever won something like this. I am SO excited!

Check out my new necklace:

Pretty huh?

And here's the company website:

http://www.bomajewelry.com/

my proudest moment

Guys, I am going to tell you the story of one of the times I was most proud of myself.

I like to think I'm kinda funny. I tend to rely on humor in awkward situations and when I'm nervous, and I love making people laugh. I think most of the time my jokes are pretty lame, but every once in a while, I come up with a doozy.

This happened a few years, while I was pregnant with Portia. I was in hair school at the time, along with several other pregnant girls. Now, the way my school worked, there was a new class of students that started every month, usually about 6 or 7 people. Inevitably, in every class, there is at least one 17 year old girl who just graduated high school. Wide-eyed and slightly terrified about the amount of crazy-looking people in hair school, probably wondering what she got herself into, she is fun to mess with.
Every Tuesday were "Don Days," Which means that we would all gather in a room and listen to the owner, Don, drone on for hours about how to seduce our male clients and that we all needed to work out more. Thrilling.
I remember one particular Don Day, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, therefore huge. I took my usual spot in the back (so I could sleep unnoticed) and hunkered down for 2 hours of nonsense, when the new class of future hairstylists filed in.
 There she was. The small and scared 17 year old girl. She sat next to me, leaning back in my chair, giant belly on display. We made a little small talk and she started to loosen up a bit. Just then, Portia did her infamous triple back handspring across my stomach.
For those of you who have never been prego and may not be aware, as your baby gets bigger and the extra space in your body gets smaller, you can start to see your baby moving from the outside. And as huge as I get, every tiny kick from my babies is viewed.
Like I said, Portia started her floor routine just as the girl next to me glanced at my belly. She jumped and gasped, horrified that she was witnessing this.

Here it is. My best joke ever.

I leaned closer to her and said in a low, and slightly creepy voice, "Have you ever seen Alien?" She nodded, and then as the implication set in, gasped again, and looked like she was going to barf.

Guys, I want you to take a moment and visualize this moment. It was hilarious.
Are you visualizing?
Good.

Take as long as you need to laugh your head off.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is my proudest moment.

we're on a break

Guys, I had to stop watching Buffy. Not because I wasn't enjoying it, but because I started to have dreams. No, not dreams about Buffy, but dreams that these guys were trying to get me:

Eeesh.

So, Buffy and I are on a hiatus. 

Apparently, me and Snooki were BFFs last night...

in my dreams, because I woke up this morning with knots in my hair that can only be the result of someone backcombing with all their might for over an hour.

things i'm lovin today

1. My awesome family! We had family pictures taken this last weekend. Here's a preview:

How cute are we?

2. One of my best friends is getting married on Saturday! I am so excited! Congratulations Vanessa and Mitch!

3. Today is election day! I'm excited to see what our country decides (and a little bit excited that it's almost over haha)!

4. This video:

5. The really tasty dinner I made tonight: Creamy Cheesy Chicken, roasted carrots with garlic, and rice. I'm not posting a picture, because photos of food always look nasty. And it's delicious.

Spooky!!

Happy Halloween!!

It's no secret that Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love candy, and am drawn to things that are slightly macabre, and dressing up is just fun!

This year, Portia went as Minnie Mouse. She picked out her costume herself, and has been looking forward to trick-or-treating for weeks! 

 Margot was a ladybug this year. I made her costume a while ago for the Fairy Ball. She didn't much care about trick-or-treating, until she realized that there was candy to be eaten; she was all for it after that!

Right after this picture was taken, we loaded that girls up and put Margot's wings on the top of the car, then drove off. Dangit.

Portia's loot.

Today, the girls are in a bit of a candy-induced madness, but I don't mind. It's pretty cute. Margot has taken to wearing the tutu on her head like a giant fluffy tiara.

Aaaand she just layed down on the floor and went to sleep . 

And Potia has been in various stages of costume all day.

Cute babies.

babies

It's moments like these that remind me why I love being a mom.
The other day, after her nap, Portia woke up and started drawling a picture and telling me a story about Ceena, the girl/mermaid who got chased by a bear, and how she escaped.
Margot woke up and came to climb in my lap. She pointed to the tv and grunted. I said "Oh, do you want to watch a show?" And she nodded her little head. When did she get so big?
These girls are so cute!

I be Pinnin'

I made a scarf that I found on Pinterest. I'm on there probably a million times a day, but I rarely make stuff that I find. Well, today I did!

Here's the original Pin; http://indulgy.com/post/DHfddH4aR1/fringe-scarf-to-make-for-a-rainy-day

I took a ratty old T-shirt that I used to wear all the time (hence the stains and stretched-out-edness),

and I cut it in half.

 Then I cut strips,

and then pulled each strip.

And that's it! Took me about 15 minutes, and it's super cute!

I even made a little one for Portia.

Happy Birthday Carrie!

Ok, ok, Carrie's birthday isn't for another month. BUT I made a really awesome present for her, and couldn't wait. Here's my inspiration: http://www.hellopapermoon.com/2012/08/spellbound-harry-potter-inspired-spell.html

I bought a leather-bound book, 

And I printed out Harry Potter related awesomeness onto sticker paper, 

 and made a little Spell Journal!

It's pretty sweet, if I do say so myself.

FHE

Tonight was Family Home Evening night for us here in the Rawlinson house, and what a night it was!

If you don't know what Family Home Evening is, here's a link: http://www.lds.org/topics/family-home-evening?lang=eng

Since Halloween is fast approaching, we had a Jack-O-Lantern themed FHE! I got the idea from a blog I came across, and adapted it to fit our family. The idea was to use a jack-o-lantern as an object lesson to teach Matt 5:16 (let your light so shine).

I told Portia that we were going to learn about our spirits and letting our lights shine to others, and then we sang a song and said a prayer. I then asked Portia if she remembered what we were going to learn about. She thought for a moment and said "ummm, Harry Potter?" Yes, I probably could teach a lesson about Harry Potter. Heck, I could teach a whole college course about Harry, but that's not the point.

We got back on track, and I turned all the lights in the house off and pulled the curtains shut. It was pretty dark. I then lit a small candle.
We talked about how it's kinda scary when it's dark, but when we turn a light on, even a small one, it makes a big difference.
I started to tell Portia that we have a spirit inside of us. I said "Portia, you have a spirit inside of you." She looked at me kinda weirdly and pointed to her bum and said "In here?"

We got back on track again.

I told Portia that we all have a spirit inside of us that makes us love and learn, and that spirit can be a light to others, when we are good. We then talked about ways we can each be good. Portia decided she can be good by being reverent at church and by sharing her toys with Margot. Margot tried to grab the candle's flame and when I pulled it away, she yelled at me. She's working on it.

Then we moved our little party outside and carved a pumpkin!

He's pretty cute.



And we ate roasted pumpkin seeds.

Yum!