This is a tough thing for me to write about, so bear with me.

Several years ago, while I was in college at BYU, I found myself struggling. Through some poor choices on my part, and some situations which I had no control over, I was barely keeping my head above water. I was failing my classes, constantly out of money, and deeply depressed.
It was extremely difficult to do everyday things, like get out of bed and go to class. I lost weight, I became sick more than usual; every aspect of my life was affected. I was desperately sad, and even worse than that, sure that I was worth absolutely nothing. I was certain that I would never be happy again. I was certain that I never deserved to be happy again.
Eventually, my friends and family started to worry. My roommates suggested that I make an appointment to see the Bishop, and I was shocked. I thought I had been hiding what was going on. It was a wake up call.
I started meeting with church leaders and soon moved home to OK. From counseling, I learned that most of my problems were from a result of very low self-esteem; I had been berating myself for years. After months and months of working on myself, and with the support of my family and the love of the Lord, I started to find my happy again. Shortly after, I met Brandon, and started a new life.
I have now been married for almost 5 years, and have two of the most beautiful baby girls. In the height of my depression, I never imagined a life as wonderful as what mine is now.

But that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle now and again. As a mom of two very young children, I am often worn out physically and mentally. I have many responsibilities and sometimes feel overwhelmed.
Now, I want to clarify again, that I know my life is good. I am married to a wonderful, devoted man whose first thoughts are providing for me and our daughters. My girls are my life, my everything, my reason for being on this earth. I have a beautiful life.

But I have found myself stagnating since Margot was born. Mostly, I think I am just tired. But there are days when a little nasty voice that I remember from so long ago starts  reminding me of all my failures and insecurities. These are the days that I sit on the couch in my pjs, can't seem to get the house clean and dinner made, am impatient with the girls and Brandon, and go to bed feeling horrible and bewildered. Why was I doing this? Why couldn't I be a better mom and wife?

I ran across a blog post today by a girl who reminded me of me. She spoke about her past struggles with depression, and having bad days. She gave a few tips to help those days get a little easier, like getting up and getting dressed, making a plan for the day, and eating a good meal (it seems silly, but on the bad days, it really is hard to do these simple things).

I had a little epiphany while reading. I am allowing myself to start down a dark road again. I have struggled with depression in the past and am never going to be completely cured. I will always have bad days, and there will always be that nasty voice in there, just waiting for me to let it creep back into my daily life.
This is a new concept for me. Until now, I thought that my bout of depression was a one-time thing. A small dot on the timeline of my life. But it's not. It will always be there.
Strangely, this is a comforting thought. I know now that when I have bad days, I am not being a bad mom and wife, I'm just working through my problems and tomorrow will be better.
I am suddenly struck with the thought that maybe I have been struggling a bit more than I have let myself believe. And it's ok. I can now make goals to work on it. I can recognize my hard days for what they are, and make them better.


I am not posting this to get sympathy or anything like that. Writing for me is therapeutic, and helps me put my thoughts together. This blog also serves as a bit of a journal for me, and my mom always taught me that writing things down helps you to remember them (betcha didn't think I was listening, huh Mom? hehe).

things i'm lovin today- food edition

1. Mmmmmm, toasted sourdough bread with butter. I could eat a whole loaf folks.

2. The hearty beef stew I made last night. It was tasty, and the girls LOVED it!

3. These bad boys:

It's pink cream soda! Yum-o!
(Ignore my bad nails, I'm fixing them today.)

4. The giant creamy hot chocolate that Brandon got me last night. It was wonderful.

5. This ad:

I'm sold!

Family Pictures

A few weeks ago, we had family pictures taken. Here's a few of the best ones:

Facing Our Diagnosis As One with Heather

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by Heather, who was wanting to do a guest post to try to spread awareness about Mesothelioma. 
Here she is!


Facing Our Diagnosis As One

When the doctor looked at me and told me that I had cancer at the age of 36, I was devastated to say the least. It was pleural mesothelioma cancer, which is primarily linked to exposure to asbestos. All that I could think about was my beautiful three and a half month old baby girl. This should have been one of the best times in my life and here I was facing death.

It never fails, when I tell people about my diagnosis, they always wonder how that is possible when the stuff is banned and I am so young to have been exposed. However, the ugly truth is that asbestos is not banned at all and I was exposed when I was a kid. My father worked in construction. His biggest responsibilities were working with drywall-sanding, taping, hanging. When he came home he was always covered with dust, but I always ran to him. That white dust that he was always covered in contained so many microscopic asbestos fibers. Who would have ever known that I was at risk?

As for this disease being reserved for people older than me, that is simply not the case. I am part of a large group of people, some even younger than me, who had been diagnosed with mesothelioma. Initially, the people who were being diagnosed were older men. They had either worked in construction, in the military, or other trades where they had been exposed. Then the disease started affecting their wives and now us children. We were the kids that ran to our dads when they came home. We were the ones that did not care how dusty dad's jacket was, we wanted to be near him and sometimes, we even pretended to be him by wearing his clothes. Now here we are, facing this disease while trying to begin our own lives. Some people, just like me, had just started their families when they were diagnosed.

Hearing that you have cancer is one terrifying experience. I stay in touch with the others in my situation because together we are stronger. We can cry together and have hope together. We can celebrate our victories of life with cancer together and assist one another when we have mountains to climb up ahead.

There is some good news. Medical technology is helping us to survive. People of all ages are being treated and pulling through to the other side. However, there is not enough prevention in place to keep this from happening. I am sharing my side of the story about mesothelioma in hopes that people everywhere will come together to bring attention to this issue that so many of us have been dealing with in our lives. If we don't, there will be no changes in the way things are handled. I know that there are many more people out there that have experienced the fear first hand and let me tell you, we can help ourselves even more by making the problem known.

Here's the link to Heather's blog: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/heather/

i win!

A few weeks ago, I saw that one of my friends had won a jewelry giveaway on Facebook. I checked out the website and learned that they do giveaways all the time! So I thought to myself "Self, let's enter one of these bad boys! We probably won't win, but that necklace is super pretty!"
Well, guess what. I WON!!
This is the first time I've ever won something like this. I am SO excited!

Check out my new necklace:

Pretty huh?

And here's the company website:

http://www.bomajewelry.com/

my proudest moment

Guys, I am going to tell you the story of one of the times I was most proud of myself.

I like to think I'm kinda funny. I tend to rely on humor in awkward situations and when I'm nervous, and I love making people laugh. I think most of the time my jokes are pretty lame, but every once in a while, I come up with a doozy.

This happened a few years, while I was pregnant with Portia. I was in hair school at the time, along with several other pregnant girls. Now, the way my school worked, there was a new class of students that started every month, usually about 6 or 7 people. Inevitably, in every class, there is at least one 17 year old girl who just graduated high school. Wide-eyed and slightly terrified about the amount of crazy-looking people in hair school, probably wondering what she got herself into, she is fun to mess with.
Every Tuesday were "Don Days," Which means that we would all gather in a room and listen to the owner, Don, drone on for hours about how to seduce our male clients and that we all needed to work out more. Thrilling.
I remember one particular Don Day, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, therefore huge. I took my usual spot in the back (so I could sleep unnoticed) and hunkered down for 2 hours of nonsense, when the new class of future hairstylists filed in.
 There she was. The small and scared 17 year old girl. She sat next to me, leaning back in my chair, giant belly on display. We made a little small talk and she started to loosen up a bit. Just then, Portia did her infamous triple back handspring across my stomach.
For those of you who have never been prego and may not be aware, as your baby gets bigger and the extra space in your body gets smaller, you can start to see your baby moving from the outside. And as huge as I get, every tiny kick from my babies is viewed.
Like I said, Portia started her floor routine just as the girl next to me glanced at my belly. She jumped and gasped, horrified that she was witnessing this.

Here it is. My best joke ever.

I leaned closer to her and said in a low, and slightly creepy voice, "Have you ever seen Alien?" She nodded, and then as the implication set in, gasped again, and looked like she was going to barf.

Guys, I want you to take a moment and visualize this moment. It was hilarious.
Are you visualizing?
Good.

Take as long as you need to laugh your head off.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is my proudest moment.

we're on a break

Guys, I had to stop watching Buffy. Not because I wasn't enjoying it, but because I started to have dreams. No, not dreams about Buffy, but dreams that these guys were trying to get me:

Eeesh.

So, Buffy and I are on a hiatus. 

Apparently, me and Snooki were BFFs last night...

in my dreams, because I woke up this morning with knots in my hair that can only be the result of someone backcombing with all their might for over an hour.

things i'm lovin today

1. My awesome family! We had family pictures taken this last weekend. Here's a preview:

How cute are we?

2. One of my best friends is getting married on Saturday! I am so excited! Congratulations Vanessa and Mitch!

3. Today is election day! I'm excited to see what our country decides (and a little bit excited that it's almost over haha)!

4. This video:

5. The really tasty dinner I made tonight: Creamy Cheesy Chicken, roasted carrots with garlic, and rice. I'm not posting a picture, because photos of food always look nasty. And it's delicious.

Spooky!!

Happy Halloween!!

It's no secret that Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I love candy, and am drawn to things that are slightly macabre, and dressing up is just fun!

This year, Portia went as Minnie Mouse. She picked out her costume herself, and has been looking forward to trick-or-treating for weeks! 

 Margot was a ladybug this year. I made her costume a while ago for the Fairy Ball. She didn't much care about trick-or-treating, until she realized that there was candy to be eaten; she was all for it after that!

Right after this picture was taken, we loaded that girls up and put Margot's wings on the top of the car, then drove off. Dangit.

Portia's loot.

Today, the girls are in a bit of a candy-induced madness, but I don't mind. It's pretty cute. Margot has taken to wearing the tutu on her head like a giant fluffy tiara.

Aaaand she just layed down on the floor and went to sleep . 

And Potia has been in various stages of costume all day.

Cute babies.